What's Your Sign?
by ComplexOrange
Summary: Have you ever wondered if pick-up lines ever actually work? Draco Malfoy decides to be the hero and find out once and for all the answer to this epic question by testing each one out. Was a joint story with a friend but now is solo written.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling (we assume) is still thoroughly sane. And only someone destined for the 'Happy Home' would write such an idiotic fic. XD**

**Warning: Rated T for some language, sexual insinuation and severe guys-getting-kicked-around-by-angry-girls.**

What's Your Sign?

Chapter 1: For the Good of Male-Kind.

Draco looked for another ice pack. Crabbe had been using the last one for at least an hour before it melted, but the swelling still hadn't gone down.

"How the hell did you manage to get her that pissed?" Draco tried to hide the annoyance in his voice.

"Well, I just tried to talk to her. I used a pick up line." Crabbe's words could barely be understood. His jaw was the size of a basketball, and that was the least of his worries. The high pitched tone was certainly unusual for the bulky boy.

"Which one was it this time? One day you're going to use one on the wrong person, and we'll be attending your funeral."

"Well, I said… My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." Crabbe didn't seem too perturbed by the comment.

Draco, on the other hand, was appalled. He promptly dropped the icepack he had _just_ found, and started to gag. When his stomach stopped trying to reject dinner, he was hysterical.

"I'd beat the shit out of someone who used that on me, too. That's just disgusting!"

"B-but I thought it was perfect! It took me _hours_ to think of it!" If the bruises covering him hadn't been witness to his stupidity, that comment certainly would clarify.

"My god, you poor, pitiful excuse for a Slytherin… you think that's clever?" Draco shook his head, disgusted by the lack of creativity. "If normal pick up lines don't work, why'd you think that would fare any better?"

"Well, I thought she was an easy case, so any line would work….I guess she was harder to impress than I thought." Crabbe scratched his head in obvious confusion.

Draco slowly sat down in a chair across from Crabbe. "Most pick up lines don't work on _any _girl, no matter how easy. In fact, I'm not sure they ever work. Some girls will even laugh in your face for trying. Or…" He glanced meaningfully at Crabbe. "Make you wish the devil himself had dealt with you."

"You couldn't do much better." Crabbe tried, key word _tried,_ to send a sly look in Draco's direction. "You said so yourself, NO pick up line ever works."

Draco looked thoughtfully at the ceiling. "I didn't say that. I said I'm not sure if they do. I guess no one has ever bothered to find out if they even work or not."

"I wonder what would happen if someone did…"

"They would need a permanent room in St. Mungo's and a memory wipe spell to make sure they aren't traumatized from the ordeal."

"But he'd certainly be a hero."

Draco looked over at Crabbe, surprised. "I suppose he would be… after all, he'd accomplish what everyone believed impossible: compile a list of pick-up lines that actually work." Draco stood suddenly, taking a dramatic stance reminiscent of a Shakespearian play. "Being the only boy with enough charm to actually survive such an endeavor, I suppose it's my duty to help the male race." He grinned widely. "I'll do it. I'll try every line I can think of and see which ones work."

Draco spent the next few days interviewing different guys and compiling a list of pick-up lines, from the over-used cheesy to the somewhat clever.

He also prepared a special notebook. He drew a chart: space to contain the line and the reaction. As he looked over the list, he was afraid to use some of them, but he knew that he had to give the results to his friends. No backing out on this now, he'd told everyone of his selfless quest. Except the girls, of course.

**This story is a joint effort between me and my friend, Sakura Neko-Chan 13. The idea came from a dinner conversation, she thought something sounded like 'one of those lame pick-up lines.' We started to share all of the lines we knew of, and we got the idea for this. We're warning you- some of these lines will be SO stupid and sad, you might end up in the hospital with a split side. We almost did.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Well, let's compare. Draco M. in Rowling's books is a prat; however, in this fic he is…nicer? More interesting? We obviously don't own the books.**

**Oh, and for those who haven't figured it out yet, this will be an AU fic. They are in their 6th year. The main characters have varying ages between 15 and 17.**

**What's Your Sign?**

**Chapter 2: A Disastrous Start**

Draco scanned the breakfast hall, checking out the different girls. Who would he approach first?

Blaise, who had just learned of Draco's daring quest, snickered at his friend's ordeal. "How about Millicent Bulstode? I bet she would be open to a line from you."

Everyone within earshot snorted whatever they were drinking out there nose. The laughter continued awhile, while Draco flushed hotly.

"You must be joking. Very funny, if not somewhat disturbing."

"No, I'm one hundred percent serious. Give one to her." Blaise's comment brought on another round of chuckles.

Draco sighed dramatically, but nodded reluctantly. " I'll do it."

Even though he was known to be one to take on any challenge, it still shocked the crowd that he agreed. All the boys clustered around him stared, some with dropped jaws, as he walked towards the…girl.

Millicent was sitting at one end of the table, virtually alone. She didn't seem to notice his approach. Draco, for his part, shuddered as he drew nearer. He almost lost his nerve.

"Hey Millicent, How ya doing?" She gave him an odd stare, creeping him out thoroughly but he continued his task. He kneeled next to her, grabbing her hand and cradling it between his own.

"Cupid called. He told me to tell you that he needs my heart back." He looked up at her and immediately recoiled slightly. Millicent's mouth was turned up in a slight smile, and she started to… was that supposed to be a giggle? It was kinda scary…

"Oh, how cute! Would you like to… I dunno, go somewhere next Hogsmead trip?" She batted her eyelashes and squealed in delight at the very thought.

Draco carefully pulled his hands away, stood slowly… and turned tail and ran. He didn't stop till he reached his first class, but he could hear the cheers of his buddies.

If they could call themselves buddies after what they just put him through. Ugh!

Though his first incident was definitely traumatic, Draco was determined not to give up. He filled out the first line of his chart with renewed vigor.

Line: Cupid told me to tell you that he needs my heart back.

Victim: Millicent Bustrode

Response: Good, I guess… she asked me out on a date. Be careful who you use it on.

Observations: Might need to test it again. Millicent may be desperate.

Now he had half an hour before Care of Magical Creatures with nothing to do. He set out for a walk around the grounds.

There weren't many people on the grounds. Except, of course, the bookworm.

Hermione started giggling uncontrollably as soon as she spotted him. Giggles soon became unfettered laughter. She was clutching her sides before she finaly got control of herself.

Draco saw her glance at him briefly, the laughter still in her eyes. Somewhat perturbed, he went around her in a wide circle.

Hurrying back the direction he came, Draco sighed in relief as he sat in front of the gamekeeper's hut, thoroughly freaked out.

The rest of the Slytherins and Gryffindors soon trickled in. He grinned when the friends he had been sitting with came over.

"I guess that one works, huh?" Blaise snickered. "She seemed to really like it."

Draco quickly shoved the notebook to his friend. Blaise gestured to the others, who looked over his shoulder as he opened the book. They seemed very serious until the last line.

"Hahaha, you think? That was a VERY lame line, Draco."

After a few minutes of reenacting the scene, Hagrid soon showed up, brining a little order to the rowdy students.

"Canigryphs! Any one know what is so special about these little guys?" Hagrid gestured towards the creatures in the pen beside him.

The creature had the front half of a hyena, the back half of some sort of lizard, and wings.

"It's ugly as shit?" Draco called out in disgust. His friends laughed loudly.

Then the… thing started laughing too. Noisy, snuffly snorts that made the creature double over slightly.

The high-pitched laughter, if you could call it that, was starting to make their ears ring, and some students becoming dizzy.

One hand shot up in the air, as sure as the sunrise. "Hermione! Of course!"

"Canigryphs have special feathers in their wings that, when set on fire, can burn up to 48 hours. This is highly unusual because of their length. Furthermore, if you cloak the feathers in Aquapyro potion, they will become completely impervious to flames." She concluded with a small smile.

"Could've expected her to know the answer, right Draco?" Blaise commented from his side.

Draco spared him a glance from his gaze at the revolting hybrids. "Of course. The girl has so few friends, she has nothing better to do than read and study and do homework…"

"As appose to you, Malfoy, who is so slow that no amount of studying would get information through that thick skull of yours." Hermione smirked at her clever retort.

"You can't talk to him like that!" The ear-piercing screech came from the one and only, Millicent Bulstrode. Draco shuddered again at his recollection of his adventure this morning.

"Hold on, you four. I'll not have a battle of insults in my class. We're here to learn how to take care of Canigryphs." Hagrid strode casually between Hermione and the others. "Now, I'm gonna give ya all partners, of my choice. Understood?'

There was a collective groan from the class. Draco could see Hermione say something to Hagrid in a near whisper, and he nodded.

"Okay, now. Harry and Ron. Finnigan and Thomas. Zabini and Bulstrode. Longbottom with Brown. Hermione, Malfoy…"

Before he could continue, there was a shout of disbelief.

"Hagrid, you can't be serious! She'll tear his throat out, not that we'd mind that…" Harry protested.

"You can't pair me up with _her_…"

"_I _wanted to pair up with Draco!" Millicent was practically in tears.

_Maybe Granger isn't such a bad partner after all, _thought Draco with yet another suppressed shudder.

"I'm the teacher, remember. Going on, Patil and Gezette. Crabbe and Goyle. Parkinson, Greengrass."

Seamus shot Hagrid a sideways look. "Why're Hermione and Malfoy the only cross-house pair?"

There was a chorus of agreement. Everyone seemed to think that each house should be paired with it's own.

"'Cuz there ain't an even number of ya. Look, there's nine Gryffindors and seven Slytherins."

Shocked, the students counted themselves and realized he was right.

This time, Ron decided to speak. "But why those two? They absolutely hate each other, one of 'em will be dead by the end of class."

"We'll be fine. I'll behave if _he_ will. Hagrid, what exactly are we supposed to do?" Hermione answered before Hagrid had a chance to speak.

"Well, we'll be workin' with 'em for a while. Today, we're just gonna work on groomin' 'em. Now, since they're hybrids, each part needs a different style of groomin'…"

Everyone was paying rapt attention to him now, it was dead silent other than his bellowing voice. He demonstrated proper technique on one canigryph, then led them to the pen. There were eight other Gryphs in the pen.

"Hermione, Malfoy, you pick first."

Each Gryph looked slightly different, some had gold wings, and others had wings with unusual markings. Some had tails that were long enough to wrap all the way aroung Hagrid's waist, while others did not have a tail at all. Most had green bottoms, but one had a red half.

"I want that one." Hermione pointed to one with tawny gold wings and a tail as long as it's own body.

Draco blanched before saying anything. "Well, that's too bad, because we're getting this one." He pointed to the one with a red tail, which was as long as a cat's, and silver wings.

"But I want that one…It looks like it has a sweet disposition." She crossed her arms stubbornly and glared at him.

"Then it certainly wouldn't fit your personality. Besides, I like to tame the feisty ones." Draco smirked, thinking he had one the battle of wits.

Hermione's jaw dropped promptly, but she regained her composure. "Oh, please. You like to _think_ you could. You can't even handle girls." She grinned in sadistic delight, watching his reaction carefully. "I mean, just look at what happened this morning."

It was Draco's turn to drop his jaw. He was so distracted, he didn't even notice when she grabbed the gold-winged one. He simply followed her out of the main clearing quietly.

They went to one of the stations set up, and Hermione grabbed the brushes, handing one to Draco.

Draco started brushing the Hyena fur. "Were you in the hall this morning when the 'incident' happened?"

"Even if I hadn't seen it, I would have heard about. Of course, it was much more interesting to see it… With you down on one knee, like you were proposing. Millicent looked thrilled, like her birthday and Christmas decided to have a breakfast date that morning. And then, the face you made… and you ran away. Honestly, I'll remember that moment forever!" She burst into a fit of laughter similar to the one on the grounds.

The canigryph started laughing as well, moving so much that Draco dropped his brush. Hermione sobered when she remembered they had a job to do, and started to calm the creature.

"Well, uhm… y-you see, it was… a dare! They gave me twenty galleons to do it! Not a big prize, but I can't back down from a dare…"

"That's horribly! Malfoy, that's just crude to do that to a girl…almost barbaric! You disgust me!"

The look of murder on her face actually made him grow a bit pale. He looked around for something to distract her. His eyes fell on the gold wings of the Gryph.

"Hey, I thought we were getting the red one!"

She smirked at him, mentally cheering on her small victory. "Well, you just came along, so I figured you were alright with it." She batted her eyelashes at him, mocking Bulstrode's own flirtatious manner.

Draco spluttered, then growled angrily. "That's low, getting what you want while I'm distracted. In fact…" His eyes lit up suddenly. "I'm surprised you're not in Slytherin, that's just the sort of thing we'd do…"

It was Hermione's turn to fluster. "Why you filthy snake! How _dare_ you! I am better than you, and you know it! You're all disgusting, pure-blood bastards…"

"Better than a muggle-born bitch."

She looked about ready to toss the Canigryph at him, but instead turned back to her work, hiding the tears from him.

Draco, not seeing how upset she really was, continued to talk. "Aw, come on. I know that you're smarter than that, you can't think of anything to say to that?"

Hermione continued to stay silent, brushing the Gryph carefully.

"Or maybe you think I'm right? That's something that would certainly still anyone's tounge. Either that or I'm just too perfect for any good insults…"

Throughout the whole speech, Hermione's hands had started to shake. Draco didn't pay much attention to it, too wrapped up in his tirade.

But Hermione had had enough. "I can't believe you… not only do you have the _nerve_ to bring up your old little insult, but you don't even have the common sense to stop once you've given out a particularly harmful insult. You want to know what I think of your little comment? I think it proves what a racist asshole you are. Why don't you just run away and join the Death Eaters if you feel so strongly about muggle borns? It would certainly fit you, and I'd get the added bonus of knowing that you'll get killed, or better yet, arrested and sent to Azkaban!"

Draco gasped at the last part, glaring angrily.

"And don't think I'm going to take any of that back. You deserve it, after everything you've said!"

She finished grooming their Cinagryph's hyena fur and ferociously started in on its wings. She took a cloth and started brushing off dust.

Draco also moved on, working on cleaning off the scales. He kept as far away from the angry girl as the Gryph would let him.

They didn't speak for the rest of class.

Hagrid came over to check how they had done. "You two must have a talent for this, he looks clean as a newborn! I'll have to keep you two paired together."

They glared at each other simultaneously before Hermione smiled softly at Hagrid. She was grateful for the complement, even if it included Draco.

"Thanks. This one's just easy to handle. It stayed still almost the entire time. It started laughing earlier, though."

Hagrid chuckled and moved on, checking other student's progress. They sat in silence until they heard the bell ring for class to end. Hermione stood up abruptly and began to stride away.

Draco stood still a moment, considering. Then, he broke into a run to catch up. "Hey, Granger!"

"Leave me alone, you prick. I've had enough insults for one day."

"That's fine. I just wanted to…" He trailed off, unsure.

Hermione turned and glared daggers at him. "Well?"

"I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the usual game."

Hermione turned and walked away. She seemed as mad as before, but she wasn't walking with nearly the same speed.

"Wait, I'm not done yet!"

"I'm done. What kind of game do you think this is? Do you call everyone a bitch? What a nickname!" She turned again, but this time, he grabbed her arm.

"You can't tell me you don't enjoy it? The exchange of insults? I wake every morning, just waiting for one of our arguments." He let go of her arm and laughed. "Seriously, though. I didn't really mean it, it was just a good response to what you called _me_."

"I guess I did start that…"

"Yah." Draco almost smiled, then realized that he was starting to be friendly… He quickly turned and walked away.

**Did you guys get the oh so cliche feisty reference? I guess there are major Dramione hints going on right now. Didn't initially plan for it to go that way, but alas, I have plans for them in the future! So, without further ado, thanks for reading! Until next time!  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3

I have decided to take on writing this story on my own since Sakura Neko-Chan 13 and I are no longer writing together! So without further ado, this chapter is dedicated to a rather well known, Harry Potter pick up line. Enjoy!

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><p>Chapter 3: A "Slytherin" Approach<p>

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><p>Draco soon forgot the incident with Hermione during Care of Magical Creatures. He didn't have the patience to even begin to work through what had happened between them- when he actually tried to <em>apologize<em> to her.

He decided to concentrate on his task. He had only tried one so far but the day was far from over! He would do another before he went to sleep that night. The rest of his classes flew by, well all except for History of Magic, but that's another story. All throughout dinner, his friends watched him waiting for him to make a move. Bulstrode still hadn't backed off completely, even after he flat out told her to leave him alone. He claimed it was all a bet and ignored her teary deposition. He should have noticed the glint of malice in Millicent's eye, but was far too sick of her at the moment to even begun to care. After finishing his meal, he headed to the library to finish up an essay due.

Due to the number of students in the library- he assumed everyone had waited until the last minute to do this essay as most seemed to be in his year- he ended up sharing a table with some Ravenclaw students. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if one of the girls didn't keep distracting him.

Every time he would get started on a particularly good point, she would giggle or brush her arm against his. Draco of course didn't mind the attention-when he wasn't trying to finish work.

Eventually, he finished his essay and stood to leave, gathering his materials. The flirty girl…Linda Johnson if he remembered correctly…immediately stood and announced that she was heading to bed. He smirked and continued on his way outside of the library. She glanced at him several times in the short distance to the door.

He turned to leave in the opposite direction, but changed his mind and grabbed her wrist at the last minute. Smirking, he looked down at her and asked, "You're going to bed? Can I Slytherin?"

She stared at him for a moment and his smirk began to slowly fall before she started to giggle. This turned into another flirty smile as she patted his chest and said, "Clever. Maybe next time. The offer doesn't expire, does it?"

Stunned by the fact that it worked, he refused to let it show as he smirked at her once more and watched her flounce away down the hall. What an odd reaction from her. He expected it to be rejected as a not-so-clever pun or as pure stupidity. She must have thought he was trying to be funny.

Draco stood there for a moment, contemplating, lost in his thoughts outside of the library, before he started to slowly walk down the corridor. He completely missed the footsteps heading his way.

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><p>Hermione was heading for the library, eager to get started on the essay assigned today in potions, when she noticed a small group of 5 Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff girls giggling and squealing. Curious, she slowed down and listened carefully to hear what the fuss was all about. One girl was in the middle and was regaling them with a story, apparently.<p>

"So I told everyone that I was going to bed and walked with him out of the library. Just when I thought Draco was just going to walk away, he stopped me and asked me-"She paused for impact and even Hermione leaned in, curious as ever after finding out it was about Malfoy. "You're going to bed? Can I _Slytherin_? Of course I couldn't help but tell him there was a possibility of a future occurrence. It is _Draco_ after all! Who wouldn't want a chance with him!"

The group of girls squealed and laughed at the clever line but Hermione scrunched her nose and continued on her journey, disgusted with the lame attempt and their weak reactions to it.

When she came across Malfoy himself in front of the library, she couldn't help but glare at him and get flustered in anger.

"Malfoy. What are you doing loitering in front of the library? Gloating over your lame, cliché pick-up line? Ugh, I don't even know how that worked on any girl. Much less a clever Ravenclaw like Linda." Draco had looked up at her as soon as his name was spoken, startled by her presence.

His anger was quickly ignited however at her harsh words. Who was she to be questioning him? Nosy brat. She should stay out of it.

"How is that any of your business, Granger?" He spat her name like it was a curse itself and sneered at her. "Why should you care who I hit on and how much the ladies love me?"

She snorted. "It's disrespectful to all females. Expecting them to fall all over you and faun over a stupid line." She shook her head as if she had made a grand point.

"Huh, that isn't even logical. If they were of such esteem in the first place, they wouldn't fall and faun over something so small. Women seem to do it all the time. Seems like some little girl is jealous. Poor little Granger, I won't give her attention like the other girls." He smirked, thinking he had definitely won the argument; he did manage to incite Hermione's anger even more.

"As if! Pft, it would be a cold day in hell before I was jealous over you Malfoy and don't you forget it. I firmly stand by my belief. Stop treated women this way. They don't deserve to be belittled as toys." She gave him one last glare and huffed off to the library entrance.

"You never denied you were interested, Granger!" He called to her as she hurried through the doors. He turned shaking his head. It was simply fun to make her angry; hah it was laughable to even consider the matter as true. She was just extremely easy to rile up. However, it might be a problem if she gets interested in his plans for the task in any way. The meddling brat could keep him from completing his mission. He paused in his thoughts- how did she even know about the pick-up line? He smirked; Laura- Lorie? Linda? Oh well, it wasn't important- was already proving how well that line worked. Who knew this task might be so easy?

He leisurely made his way to the common room, pondering his next entry with a smirk. Everything was going smooth as can be, what could go wrong?

Line: Can I Slytherin?

Victim: Linda (?) Johnson.

Response: Positive. She thought I was attempting to be humorous which worked in my advantage.

Observations: Warning: May take a minute to sink in. I was quite worried when she merely started to stare at me but realized quickly that charm clearly worked because she found it funny and dare I say clever (as she told me). I also got an invitation to complete my proposal later. Go for it boys, this one is a humorous approach. However, make sure it is in your personality—if you try to be funny when your just plain…intimidating or too serious to women, I would advise using another quote.

Upon reaching the common room, he sat down by the fire, listening to the other boys give suggestions on what to use next. They were delighted with the line itself and were even more impressed on the reaction Draco had received. He smirked as he realized his popularity would sore higher after all of his hard work and possible humiliation. The boys would see it as sacrifice, not true embarrassment. He could still maintain his Malfoy reputation and figure out once and for all what worked and what didn't. Not that he needed pick-up line, not with his charm. Clearly. However, it was always useful for challenging cases. He never could quite understand how some of them could be so helpless with girls, but upon hearing their lines, it became loud and clear. Using some of them would bring painful consequences to say the least. Oh well, it's all for the sake of research!

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><p>I had heard some of these Harry Potter lines elsewhere, like in pictures and comics and such things. However, in my research I also managed to find a website that compiled them. Using several of them may be in the future of this story, whether it be something lighthearted like "I know we're not in Professor Flitwick's class, but you still are charming" or something like "I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I'm about to get lucky." Who knows? It's always fun to throw in some humor relating the book!<p>

Thanks for reading! Until next time


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